Archie Comics Introduces Gay Character
Saturday, April 24, 2010 at 12:30AM (FLP Satire) - Yeah, the gay theme is coming to comics. Here's the detail from the FL Pundit News Wire:
Riverdale High School, the stomping ground of comic book legend Archie Andrews, will open its doors to HUMP N. CRAX, its first openly gay student this September. He'll join the regular cast of Archie, Jughead, Veronica, Betty and Reggie.
"The introduction of HUMP N. CRAX is just about keeping the world of Archie Comics current and inclusive. HUMP N. CRAX is a flaming homosexual and we expect him to fit in nicely with the gang. Riverdale has always been a safe world for everyone. It just makes sense to have an openly gay character in Archie comic books, but we didn't want to play it safe. This guy makes Elton John look butch. Flames literally shoot out his a**. They just don't come any gayer." said Jon Jones, Archie Comics co-CEO.
The story begins when HUMP N. CRAX moves to Riverdale and acts so flamboyantly gay that his new classmates quickly realize he's a Queen. However, his wildly effeminate act catches the eye of bi-curious Jughead who realizes that he really likes HUMP N. CRAX.
"Mayhem and hilarity ensue as HUMP N. CRAX desperately attempts to let Jughead down easy as his flirtations become increasingly persistent and suggestive," Archie Comics said on its website.
Finally, HUMP N. CRAX confides to Veronica in the gayest voice imaginable. "It's nothing against Jughead, but I like them hairy and beefy. Not my type. Snap." the new character says.
Isn't it heartwarming to see the inclusiveness of Riverdale? Maybe next year they'll add a militant jihadist!
Not that there's anything wrong with that!
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Chuck (FL Pundit)
Following is a typical conversation that may have occurred between two people upon hearing that Archie Comics was adding a gay character.
This is all in good fun. I love a gay conservative as much as the next person.
Reader Comments (17)
Absolutely, positively freaking hilarious. One of your best ever!
You have absolutely nailed the absurdity of this situation in a very funny way. Well done.
HUMP N. CRAX will be president one day... of the Gay, Lesbian, Transgender & Bi Alliance. I understand he already has a sponsorship in place with Prep H!
This is disgustingly homophobic! The 19th century called and asked for you to come home. You're disgusting you gay basher!
Hey G&P, it's called satire and the purpose is to make people think about the absurdity of introducing a gay character in a comic book series read by kids. I'm sure you're OK with that, but it is way out-of-bounds in the view of most mainstream Americans. This is nothing more than the Left trying to force their agenda down the throats of middle Americans. Well, as a product of the Right, this is my absurd response to that ridiculous power play.
By the way, HUMP N. CRAX sends his love!
Hey G&P, take you're gay agenda somewhere else. This is funny and if you have no sense of humor, just stick it.
Second thought, don't do that.
Call me crazy, but that is some funny stuff. Hump N. Crax will go down with vaunted characters like Dirty Harry and Dirk Diggler.
Nice artwork as well. Love what you've done with HNC. He looks... flaming!
To gay and proud,
Phobic implies that we are afraid of you, well I'm not. I have sympathy for you and especially if you truly are proud of being gay.
So, we're not afraid of you...I mean...I wouldn't want you touching me or anything....
Word is they're going to introduce a romantic figure for Hump N. Crax named Pour N. Themeat.
The movie is quite the addition. 5 stars!
geez G & P take a pill or a suppository which i'm sure you'd enjoy going up-lose the offended card-it's getting old. i'm offended by you guys/girls trying to mainstream what you do-just live and stop talking about it-capiche?
The marketing geniuses who do Archie comics are planning a follow up of the Archies #1 single "Sugar Sugar". Word is they're going to do a cover of Frankie Goes to Hollywood's hit "Relax" with a new band lineup. Our own Turd Ferguson is rumored to be the front man of the band, speculation is the band will be called "Turd and the Lovin' Fistful".
Pundit this is some of your best work. I busted out in laughter, which got the old lady's interest so I had to read it to her. She even laughed.
Do o sense some hostility between the comment titans? Funny stuff Herb.
JoPa, no hostility. Just a little humor at Turd's expense. He's man enough to take it. Word is he's got astroturf on the bed of his pickup and is known to pack such size he's bordering on deformed. I've got to vacuum the house, fold the laundry, scrub the toilets, get a bottle of $10 wine, and beg to get Mrs. Tarlek to consider getting in the mood. I just send out love not punches.
You're right Herb. I'll be the front man in the band and you, as Hump N. Crax, will be the pivot man in the circle jerk train known as "Lovin Fistful". I just ask that you boys keep your pants on during the concert. After that, you're all on your own, but I won't be paying for any new mattresses, so bring your own rubber sheets.
I'd think you bunch of circle jerkers would get off on this.
BTW, homophobia is the correct terminology here, as Chuck himself admits to his deep-seated fear of introducing gay culture to children. But then what would that appropriate age be? Are you all opposed to a homosexual couple raising children? Sounds like it. Sounds to me like you'd just like to erase the gays from any serious discussion about human rights.
Go ahead and enjoy your little clubhouse antics. You're a bunch of dimwitted, misanthropic, racist and homophobic assholes. And, alas, there's no shortage of you.