New Information On Crotch Bomber Investigation
Wednesday, December 30, 2009 at 12:34AM In a follow-up to a story posted earlier this week, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano is reportedly set to release the government's findings of the investigation around the failed Christmas Day bombing. This could be a script of those remarks:
Good morning,
I'm very pleased to announce that we have gotten to the bottom of the Christmas Day incident on that Delta Air Lines flight from Amsterdam to Detroit.
As it turns out, this was an unfortunate misunderstanding. The victim in this case, who is Muslim and from Nigeria, was simply holding a personal religious ceremony when he was disturbed by ignorant passengers who felt he was doing something untoward. This disruption caused the victim to loose his concentration and accidentally set himself on fire.
I'm sure there will be close-minded people who will question the legitimacy of a ceremony that involves lighting ones own gas, but it is a sacred act to the victim - and victims have rights.
Based on that, we are now pursuing hate crime charges against the passengers who assaulted the victim. This bigoted behavior cannot stand and we will pursue these men with the full weight of the American justice system.
On behalf of the United States government, I'd like to apologize to Muslims everywhere for this embarrassing incident. We will work hard to do better.
On another note, and in an effort to help our non-english speaking Muslim friends, we will post the following sign conspicuously throughout all American planes.
Reader Comments (4)
How did (fill in the blank - Napolitano, Obama, Holder, etc.) get to a position of such responsibility while being incompetent? I want in on that racket.
All you need is a media that will cover up all of your mistakes and you're good to go.
I'm concerned that the sign could be offensive to gay men.
Fitting.